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It was the late shift in #farscape. A group of ScaperGrrls had gathered in their own little private channel so they could talk without offending ‘innocent’ ears. Suddenly, another spoiler page was found. The Grrls put on their spoilerslut gear and hauled ass to the discovered url. As they expected, the season three finale wasn’t going to be very bright.
Bug walked back into #h*********. “O_O”
“Y’know what?” Dani sniffled, “We’re gonna have to go find Kemper again.”
“Fuckin A!” Lyme yelled, picking up her baseball bat.
Daini grabbed her lead pipe and gave it a couple of practice swings. “I think it’s time for a roadtrip! ^_^”
Chi picked up the telephone. “Hihi… I wanna rent a helicopter. Yupyup. Ooooh… we’ll keep it for a few days. Thankee!”
“Waitwaitwait! I wanna see the opera house! Fly by the opera house!”
“No! We’ll fly by the opera house after we get Kemper.”
“Uh…where exactly does Kemper live?”
“We’ll be able to tell. It’s the only house in Oz with fire and brimstone raining down on it.”
“There it is!! Land us a couple of houses away. ^_^ He’ll never see us coming!”
Kemper was out back of his house, sitting in a lawnchair, no doubt pondering on new ideas for torturing FarScape fans through their favourite characters’ misfortunes.
Lyme and Daini ran off to get him and haul him back, while the rest watched and waited eagerly at the side of his house. They heard a whistling from inside the house.
“…what the frell is that?? o_O”
“He’s making TEA? Wha??”
“Eeeep! He’s getting up!”
“They’ll get to him before he sees em. I hope.”
Kemper tossed his papers and pen to the side and got up, nancing off in his Kempery way to go get his tea.
Daini and Lyme pounced from behind with a baseball bat to the head and a swing of the lead pipe to the knees. He gibbered unintelligibly before sinking to the ground with a thud. The last thing he heard was two girls arguing…
“My bat makes a better bonking sound!” Lyme gave him another BONK to demonstrate.
“Noooonono. Lead pipes sound kewler! They go thwack!” Daini displayed the sound with another THWACK to Kemper.
“Baseball bat!” BONK!
THWACK! “Lead pipe!”
BONK! “Baseball bat!”
“Lead pipe!” THWACK!
“D00d, let’s agree to disagree! We gotta get out of here!” Dani said, helping them stuff Kemper into a burlap sack and carry him back to the helicopter. They all hefted him in and took off.
“Think we’ll get stopped and searched or anything?”
“Uh…I hope not! How do you think we’d explain an unconscious man in a sack?”
“Well, we could say, uh… o_O Okay. Let’s just hope we don’t get searched.”
“Huh? What?” He tried to sit up, but found himself tied down. Tied to a stone platform. “Where am I?? What the hell’s going on here?!?!”
“Oh, we just thought you deserved a little ‘vacation’. You’re back in the states!”
“We’re gonna take you on a road trip with us! Ya better get some rest, since we’re gonna head out realllly early tomorrow morning.”
“Ayup. We’ve read a lot of spoilers for the the season three final four. We don’t like what’s happening, ya know.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Kemper squeaked.
“Ha! Yes, you do!”
“What are you going to do to me???”
“Well, some of us have read Edgar Allan Poe… some of us have watched movies that gave us interesting ideas… and all of us have really evil minds- especially when you torture our favourite characters to insanity!!!”
Kemper yeeped and cringed. “It’s a little dark…could you turn on the lights?”
The Grrls looked at one another. “Naaah. We’ll let you live in fear for a little while. But there is one thing we want you to see.”
They pulled out small flashlights, shining all of them upward, to make enough light in the one spot so Kemper could see a bit of where he was. The lights shone off a four foot long iron pole with a foot long spike on the end closest to him. He followed the lights down as they illuminated the length of it, and yeeped even louder when he saw that it was pointed at his crotch.
“Ever read The Pit and the Pendulum, Kemper?” Daini snickered wickedly.
“O_O What are you going to do to me?!?!?!” He shrieked.
“Awww… look! He’s skeered! ^_^”
“With good reason. He knows what he did to the fans.” They all giggled and flipped a switch, setting the spiked pole in action. It dropped one notch immediately, making Kemper yeep again.
“So, how close to you think it’ll get in…” Chi checked her watch as they strolled out of the pitch black room. “Two hours? That’ll give us enough time for three FarScape videotapes, if we fast forward through credits and commercials.”
“Eh- if we hear a blood curdling scream, we can just pause and run to turn it off.”
Bug shut and locked the door behind them. “Ya think we should tell him that it’s not gonna drop that low?”
They all looked around at one another again. “Naaaaah!”
“Err… we did remember to set that timer thing back a little, right?”
“…I think we did. Why did we wanna do that, by the way?”
“It’s a little off… we figured out, if we set it an hour back, it would go just right… but if it’s on time…”
There was suddenly a scream from Kemper’s room… “AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!”
“Ooopsie…”
“Aw, don’t worry about it. It didn’t come that close. Just close enough to skeer him good.”
Chi pulled a roll of duct tape out of one of the shopping bags, tore a long piece off, and slapped it over Kemper’s mouth. “Better?”
“Much!”
They all piled into the RV they’d rented (completely trouble free!) from a rental company. They’d driven a few miles down the road when they realized they really had forgotten something. “…Where’s Kemper?”
The RV screeched to a halt. “Oops… *snicker* I guess we left him sitting on the curb.”
“At least with him yapping, we knew where he was! LOL”
When they’d gotten him stowed safely away in a far corner, they took off again. “So. What’s our first stop?”
Dani unfolded the large map and shook it out. “We don’t have to follow a shortest route or anything… good thing about this trip is no time limit. ~.~ So, we can go to… Texas? How’s Texas?”
Lyme and Daini yelled at the same time “Texas sucks!!”
“Well, we’ll just run through and do a bit of Kemper-torture, then buzz on out.” Bug said while popping another FarScape tape into the vcr.
“Mmkay…stop over at a rest area with a wiiiide open area in the sun.”
When they’d stopped, it was just barely noon. The sun was right overhead. The Grrls hauled him out of his corner and took him outside, where they drug him up a ladder, then tied him securely to the roof of the RV, face down.
“What are you going to do??” he asked, frightened, as he should’ve been.
“Weeeell, we’re going to sit our widdle asses down inside the RV, with the air conditioner on, and watch all our favourite episodes of FarScape. You, on the other hand, are gonna stay riiiight up here. ^_^”
“Why up here??”
“It’s get perty damn hot in the middle of the day, in the middle of the summer, in Texas.”
They all piled back into the RV, cranked up the AC, and lounged around with snacks, ice cold sodas, and FarScape eps.
“…Should we turn him over and let the other side toast, too?”
“Naaah. It’s just about time to bring him in… we want him just toasty enough, he won’t be able to sit down for a few days.” Lyme cackled evilly, and the rest joined her.
“Yesh. That was the point! Didja think we were lettin ya get warm? Heehee!”
“Where to now?” Daini flung open the map this time, marking an X through all the states they’d passed through so far, including Texas.
“How about… Arkansas?”
“Hmmm. I think we can come up with a gooood little punishment between here and there. What do ya’ll thing??”
“Yeaaaaaaaaah!” The other Grrls yelled back to them.
Kemper cringed and sniffled, attempting to nurse his sunburned back. And rump. And calves…and neck……
“Oh! Okay. Here’s a grocery store.” Lyme hit the brakes, drove across the median, and made a very interesting parallel park between a school bus and Volkswagen van.
“Dain, ya mind staying in here to watch the ‘prisoner’ while we gather up the stuff?”
Daini looked from the other Grrls, to Kemper, back to the Grrls, and back to Kemper again. “Nooooo… I don’t mind a bit.” She giggled and closed the RV door after they’d gone.
She sat down beside Kemper in his corner. “W-what are you gonna do?” he asked warily.
Daini giggled again. “You ever seen the movie Dumb and Dumber?”
“Uh…no…”
“Awwww… gooood movie. You should rent it when you get back home. If you get back home.” *giggle*
“Okay…..”
“You wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?”
Kemper said nothing… afraid to answer.
Daini grinned and gave him an example. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Daini! What happened?”
She shrugged and smiled innocently. “I dunno! I was just acting out a scene from Dumb and Dumber for him!”
“…Not the ‘most annoying sound in the world’?”
“Yup! That’s the one! ^_^”
“Okay… let’s get this thing back on the road. Maybe he’ll stop drooling by the time we get to the farm, at least.”
“…Farm?” Kemper asked.
“Shut up, you.” They snickered and slapped duct tape across his mouth again.
“O_o”
“o_O”
“Aaaanyway…” They dug through the many grocery bags full of junkfood until they found the ten little buckets of maple syrup.
They ungagged and untied Kemper, then surrounded them. “What are you gonna do now??”
“You know how chickens just loooove corn…” They began pouring the syrup over his head. He shivered and *errk*ed as it dripped down. After taking handfuls of corn from a big bag of chicken feed, they tossed it at him, making sure lots of it stuck.
“What exactly is the purpose of this? o_O Humiliation?” Kemper looked around at them.
“No… humiliation is what we have planned for later. This is still in the torture department.” They grabbed him and tossed him into the chickenyard.
“Go for the eyes!! Go for the eyes!!”
“New York!” Daini yelled from the back
“Why New York?”
“Coney Island. ^_^ It’s the purrrfect place for the *ahem* ‘human popcorn maker’. *cackle*”
They nearly fell off their seats laughing. “Yes! New York it is!”
“Don’t ask.”
“o_O Mmkay. Consider it not asked. Didja remember that dried corn cob?”
“Of course. Did we remember the stuff to make the fire?”
“But of course.”
They all looked at Kemper, who was trembling in fear by now. He had an inkling of what he was in for next.
Dani grinned, and slapped the large cob of dried corn against one palm. “ ‘k’… bend over! Lyme! Gimme the vegetable oil!”
Kemper whimpered and did as he was told.
They tied him to a spit and held him over the fire. It didn’t take long til they started hearing it: Pop….Pop…..POP…POP!..POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP!
Kemper’s eyes got wider “O_O EEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!”
“…I’m not eating that popcorn…”
“Ewwww! None of us are! LOL!!”
“I think it’s because we’re stuck in here with Kemper. He makes everything seem like it takes forever.” They snickered at the man twitching in his corner.
“Let’s have summore fun.”
“Liiiiiike?”
“Look in my bags.” Lyme cackled. “I brought STEVE! Muahahahaha!”
“Don’t we have a Nekkid Scorpy around here somewhere, too?”
“Yeah. Look in the cabinets… he should be in there somewhere.”
“I found Nekkid Scorpy!”
“Yaaaaay!”
“Wheeeeee!”
All the Grrls looked at Kemper. “C’mon Kemper. Into the bathroom.”
“Whyyyyy? :( ”
“Oh, you’ll see. ^_^”
Kemper walked slowly into the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet lid.
They quickly threw Nekkid Scorpy in and slammed the door shut.
Obviously, much shrieking and begging to be let out ensued.
“When do we get to use Steve??”
“We’ll use Steve when Nekkid Scorpy’s finished with him. *cackle*”
“Here? Where’s here?”
“Kemper Road!”
“Oooooh! Hurry! Hang Kemper out the window!”
“Huh? o_O”
“Hang him out the window! We’ll drag Kemper over Kemper Road! *snicker*”
“Oh! Okay!!”
They grabbed Kemper’s ankles before he could protest (as if he would have, if even given the chance) and put him out the window upside down, dragging him across Kemper Road. Then, they back up, and dragged him across it again.
“This is fuuuuun… should it be this much fun?”
“Just think of what he’s done to John, Aeryn, and everyone else.”
“Yes. This is FUUUUUUN. Drag him across again!!!”
“Well, we just kept driving… and… uh… I dunno.”
“Maybe the Kemper torture made time go faster?”
“Time flies when you’re having fun! ^_^ *giggle*”
“What can we do to him here? Give him frostbite of the bal-”
“Err… we could let him go…”
“Let him go??”
“Yeah! Let him go, then hunt him down again! Good idea!”
“We’ll need snowmobiles and net launchers and parkas and stuff…”
“Oooooh… parkas… soooft.”
He looked at them funny, “You’re just…letting me go??”
“Of course not! LOL!! We’ll give you a ten minute head start, then we’re coming after you, silly!”
“Well, that ten minutes started two minutes ago. Eight minutes left, Kemper.”
“EEP!” Kemper squeaked before running off in only his underwear and shoes.
The Grrls counted down (okay, maybe a few minutes were cut off ^_~) and took off after him on their snowmobiles.
“I see him! I see him! Oh…wait… no, that’s a snowman.”
“A snowman? o_O This far out??”
“Hey, it’s not my fault we have weird occurrences in this story! Ask the author!”
“…Is that him??”
“Yupyup!! That’s him!!!”
“Get hiiiiiiiim!!!”
They all sped up and got out their ‘weapons’. Kemper looked back and screamed, knowing he was as good as caught!
“FIRE!”
The Grrls fired their net launchers, getting at least two right on target. Kemper went down in a tangle of net, getting a good mouthful of snow and ice.
“Yaaaaay! We got him!”
Kemper looked up at them pitifully. “What now??? o_o”
“Y’know what? You wanna go home, Kempery wimpery poo?”
“Yes…*sniffle*” he said warily.
“You have to make us a promise.”
“Yupyup. Promise us that you won’t kill off Aeryn’s baby.”
“And that you won’t have it kidnapped and all.”
“And that John and Aeryn will at least be friends again by the start of season four.”
“And that the baby will be the reincarnation of Zhaan.”
“Yeah. We want some semblance of Zhaan back!!!”
“Okay!!! Okay!!! I promise! *sniffle* Just let me go hoooome!!!”
He sat and thought for a while. He thought about those ScaperGrrls. He thought about corn. He thought about Nekkid Scorpy. And he thought about Steve.
It didn’t take long for him to pick up the telephone. *plink-tone-beep-ponk-glurg* went the keypad as he dialed. “Hey… uhm… do you think we could get Ben and Claudia and everyone back for a little last minute tweaking of the final four of season three? …why?… well… I’ve had a LOT of inspiration tonite…”
“Well… let’s let him wonder.”
“Awww… he’ll forget the nightmare though!”
Kemper got up and scampered over to his computer to begin writing. He opened his desk drawer… “AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
The Grrls went on their way back to their helicopter again. “Oh, I don’t think he’ll forget soon.”
“…Lyme…you left Steve in his room, didn’t you?”
“Muahahahahaha!!!!”